Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Roger And The No Good Very Bad Word

By: Dwayne Eric McLeod

During Sam & Roger's childhood, let's just say, Roger was very sheltered. I think the sheltering had a lot to do with making him the moron we know and love today. That Roger, always making us laugh with his utter stupidity.
"Can we get a TV, Dad?" Roger asked, with a little tear in his eye.
"No, son! TV is of the Devil. Those people on the TV screen are trapped inside that box!" Mr. Moron... Err, Morrison, said to his dumb son.
"Now, go read your Bible and think about what Jesus would do. Watching people trapped inside a box and doing nothing to help them? I raised you better than that!" Mr. Morrison continued.
"Yes, Dad!" Roger politely answered.
Little did Mr. Morrison know, his son had a rebellious side. Instead of reading his Bible like a good boy, Roger read and enjoyed comic books. And a new title was out:
"The Seven Foot Ninja #1!!!" Roger excitedly said out loud.
"What was that, son?" Roger's dad questioned.
"Sh, Honey! Roger is just excited about reading his Bible like a good boy! Must be a Bible story about ninjas!" Mrs. Morrison interrupted from her separate bed on the other side of their bedroom.
Yes, these two watched a lot of classic shows growing up and thought husbands and wives actually slept in separate beds.
And to think, they got on their son's case for wanting a TV. Seems a little hypocritical, eh?
When morning arrived, after reading his awesome new comic, Roger got up and saw his mom cooking breakfast.
"Hey, Son, grab a plate. I picked some grass from the back yard and for dessert; you have twigs and leaf juice!" Mrs. Morrison said. Wow, that sounds like a horrible breakfast...
"Actually, Mom, can I go over to Sam's?" Roger interrupted.
"I guess so. You're a good boy. Just remember to take your Bible. Also, don't forget to tell Sam's parents I hate them."
"Yes, Mom!"
Sam lived right next door to the Morrisons so getting there was no big deal. Both families had a lot of land though. When Roger's parents weren't looking, he tossed his Bible back in his room and grabbed some comic books. He then covertly snuck out the back door. When he arrived to Sam's house, he saw his friend playing an awesome video game. Sam had a TV!
"Oh, hey, Roger! Want to play?" Sam announced, excited to see his friend.
"I can't. My parents say TV and video games are evil. Also, my mom said to tell your parents she hates them!" Roger replied.
"My parents hate them too! And really? You can't watch TV or play games?"
"I don't even HAVE a TV!"
"Wait, WHAT? Are you Amish or something?"
"Actually, I think Amish kids have more fun. But I do read a lot of comics that my parents don't know about..."
"You read comics your parents don't KNOW about? They don't let you read comic books either?"
"Nope, I have to sneak them and hide them under my bed. My Dad says the pictures are living people trapped inside the pages."
"Wow, your dad is stupid."
"Haha, yeah!"
"Anyway, lighten up, dude! Let's play this game!"
"Okay! What is it called?"
"Killer Instinct. It's a fighting game. I put on the blood option!"
Killer Instinct, huh? Man, that brings back memories... Oh, I'm still writing a story? Enough about my nostalgia!
Anyway, the two kids played Killer Instinct for hours and Sam kept losing to Roger.
In that one question, Roger made an awesome discovery. It was the word "Fart." He never heard such a bad and hilarious word in all his life.
"Wow, what was that glorious word you just said?" Roger questioned.
"What? I don't remember..." Sam answered.
"It started with an F."
"What? Fart? I say it all the time!"
"It's incredible! I'm going to use that word from now on..."
"Cool... Whatever, dude!"
After a long day of playing video games and reading comics with his friend, Roger went back home.
"How was your day, Son? What did you and Sam do together?" Mrs. Morrison questioned.
"Oh, we read the Bible ALL DAY! That Moses is an awesome guy!" Roger lied.
"That is very good, son! I'm glad your friend isn't as stupid as his stupid idiot parents."
After patting him on the head, Roger was walking to his room when he suddenly hit his toe on the door. The words that came out of his mouth would be his greatest regret ever!
"OH, FART!" Roger screamed in agony.
Suddenly, he saw his mom's head turn as red as a beet. It was like the devil himself entered into his mom's face.
"WHAT WAS THAT?!!!" His mom screamed in anger.
"What, Mom? Fart?" Roger questioned in a panic.
Before Roger could even blink, his mom took off her belt and spanked him for what seemed for hours. Roger was crying like a baby the whole time. It was actually funnier than it was horrifying...
"Phyllis! PHYLLIS!" Roger screamed out to his rubber ducky.
"Yes, Mom!" Roger replied.
"Where did you learn such a filthy word? I think I know where! It was that idiot friend of yours, wasn't it?"
"It wasn't Sam's fault, Mom!"
"Oh my goodness! I should have known better than to let you hang out with those Hicks people. They are poisoning you!" Roger's mom said as she began to cry.
Wow, this whole situation is pretty dumb, huh? All because he said "Fart?" That's not even that bad of a word, really. It's actually kind of funny in my opinion...
"You've broken your mother's heart! I want you to think about that really long and hard! Go read your Bible. I THOUGHT I HAD A GOOD BOY! Now you will go to bed without supper!"
"But, Mom! I want twigs! I'm hungry!"
"After what you've said, you won't be having twigs for a while. You will be having spaghetti till you've learned your lesson!"
"Aw, MAN!"
Um, wow, spaghetti sounds much better, actually, but I'm not a moron like the Morrisons. I'm not even sure how you can possibly DIGEST twigs? Oh well...
Moral of the story: You can't fix stupid... Yeah, that kind of works!
-The End

Monday, September 28, 2015

How Sam Met Roger

By: Dwayne Eric McLeod

It was August 21st in Wondervalley, South Carolina... Hey, August 21st is my sister's birthday... But also usually the very first day of the school year. New to school life were dweebs, Sam Hicks and Roger Morrison who haven't met each other yet. They'd soon find out that things were... Better before they met! Oh, what? You thought things were going to be peachy and love at first sight when these two idiots met? Have you actually READ Sam & Roger comics? Anyway, on to our story.
Wondervalley was a town in the Midlands of South Carolina; an imaginary town with imaginary people. And also a location of plot convenience since I'm from the midlands of South Carolina. Anyway, enough about me. I'm awesome. I don't have to tell you guys that, though!
It was the first day of school and Sam and Roger were about to meet for the first time. Though they've lived next door to one another their entire lives, their families hated each other. Can you blame them? Both families are terrible, full of terrible people. And hey, THAT's the Christian spirit, right? RIGHT?
This story is derailing before it has even started. Anyway, it was now 6 AM in our story and the kids (Sam & Roger) were just waking up.
Mama Hicks woke up her son Sam by tossing ice cold water on his head. Sam felt like he was about to have a heart attack, the water was so frigging cold. Yeah, his mom is terrible, but that's beside the point.
"Wake up, little douche! It's time to go to school. My my my, where did I go wrong?" Mama Douche said to her douche son. What a fun douche day we're having so far.
Sam rushed to the bathroom to take a nice warm shower and try to forget the cold water his mom dumped on his head. My, such wonderful parenting. After his shower, Sam brushed his teeth till his gums bled and then he flossed until his mouth looked like a crime scene. And now he was off to school!
Now enter Roger's morning. Roger's parents were a little more loving, albeit complete morons. Hey, Roger gets it honestly at least. Anyway, his mom entered his room to wake her beloved son who was snoring louder than a train engine. You could literally feel the walls about to cave in around him. Anyway, enough about Roger's horrible snoring. And wow, if you followed the comics, Sam actually LIVES with this guy! I don't even want to know how... Wonderful those sleepless nights are.
"Wake up, my beloved son! Today is your first day of school! My, how you've grown. It seemed like only after graduating kindergarten, I dropped out and married your father. Don't make the same mistakes I did." Mama Moron said to her idiot son as she woke him up and got him ready for school.
Instead of taking a shower like a normal person, Roger took a bubble bath with his rubber ducky. He always told his rubber ducky, whom he named Phyllis for some reason, his deepest, darkest secrets.
"One time I took my sister's Barbie doll and pretended to marry it. Phyllis, is that even normal?" Roger said. Well, that's embarrassing and I want that image of Roger marrying his Barbie to sink into your brain and NEVER leave. Haha!
After playing in his bubble bath, not really taking a bath for cleanliness sake, Roger jumped out of the tub, got dressed and was finally off to school. The kids, since Wondervalley was a small town, didn't have to ride a bus. The school was practically walking distance.
The kids didn't meet each other on the way to school. Why, you ask? Well, it's a little thing called build up. I want you to WAIT for a while in anticipation for these two idiots to meet and then have what you'd call, pay off. Seriously though, Roger was late to school. Why, you ask? He got lost. Which is an accomplishment in itself because how can you get lost on ONE street? The school is not even that far away from his house. You can actually see the building out of his window. That's embarrassing. Roger ended up in the parking lot of a Walmart when he finally realized the problem.
"Ohhhh, I'm supposed to go TOWARD the school building." Roger said while slapping his forehead.
Luckily, Roger wasn't too late. He only missed breakfast and class was in session before he knew it.
"Hello, Children! Welcome to your first day of kindergarten. I am your teacher, Ms. Poppins." Ms. Poppins said to the class.
And yes, her first name is Mary... Wait, what? Is she an actual Mary Poppins parody? Yes... No... maybe! Anyway, the story is not about her. She's just the stupid teacher...
"Children, I want you to go around the class and introduce yourselves to one another. We have a whole year together and I want you to make friends. Friends are an essential part of life and I want you to have the BEST school year ever! Remember, school is not just about education, but making friends and building relationships with your fellow man." Ms. Poppins said to the children.
After a few minutes while the kids went around introducing themselves, Sam & Roger finally met for the first time in their miserable lives.
"Hi! My name is Roger Morrison. What is your name?" Roger asked with a dumb look on his face... Wait, that wasn't a dumb look. It was just his face...
"My name is Sam Hicks. Want to be friends?" Sam replied.
"Depends. Are you going to let me try on that cool hat?" Roger asked.
"Absolutely not! I don't take my hat off EVER."
"Why not? Are you bald or something?"
"Geez, lighten up. I was just joshing. We can be friends..."
"Actually that DOES depend. Your last name is Morrison. Your parents and my parents hate each other."
"So? That doesn't mean we have to hate each other!"
"...That's true, I guess. Can I hate you for a different reason though?"
"I guess, but hate is stupid..."
"Not always. I hate my parents. They are terrible people."
"Are your parents not Christian?"
"They are, but I'm an atheist..."
"A Thee What? What are those?"
"It just means that I don't believe in God..."
"Wait, what? Why not?"
"Because my parents do..."
"That's a stupid reason!"
"No, YOU'RE stupid!"
"No, YOU are!"
This argument went on till it was almost time for lunch. To be clear, Sam wasn't a true atheist. He was just rebelling against his parents. He did believe in God though he didn't want to admit it because his parents are tools.
As time went by, Roger, who is a sweet person at heart, decided to sit by Sam at lunch time and apologize to him for arguing.
"Why are you apologizing to me? We hate each other, right?" Sam asked, puzzled.
"I don't hate you, Sam. I don't hate anybody and I was just as much of a jerk in that argument as you." Roger replied.
"I guess your points do make sense. I'm not really an atheist. I do believe in God. It's just my parents suck..."
"My parents are complete morons but they love me. I'm sure your parents love you, too!"
"I believe my parents love me, but they have different ways of expressing it."
"Yeah, all parents are different."
"Haha, yeah! Friends?"
"Friends!... So, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"Me? Well, I like to draw and stuff, so I want to be an artist. But I also like cars, so being a mechanic would be cool. What about you?"
"Oh wow, that's really cool! I like to write poetry and stories. I have a wild imagination. But to be honest, I want to be a teacher..."
"A teacher? Haha, wow that's stupid!"
"What? What's wrong with being a teacher?"
"Have you honestly taken a look at Mary Poppins? Stupid name, but she has to deal with snotty brats like us on a daily basis every stinking year for the rest of her miserable existence."
"I don't want to teach snotty brats. I want to teach high school!"
"Wow, that's even worse!"
"No it's not! You're just stupid!"
"No, YOU'RE stupid!"
"No, YOU are!!!"
Things seemed to be going good for a while, right? And then BOOM, another argument. And just think, this is their fate for the REST of their miserable lives. And Mary Poppins is the one who has a miserable existence? Nope, her life is pretty great actually. The two morons on the other hand, this is their fate. Because I wrote it and I think their misery is funny.
So, that's how Sam and Roger met. To be honest, they don't hate each other and they never will. They will always have a love-hate relationship. They are family and they've had each others' backs more so than not.
Moral of the story: Slow and steady wins the race... Wait, that doesn't make any sense. Oh well!
-The End