The Bachelors

By: Dwayne Eric McLeod

 

With their college days behind them and starting their new professions, Sam and Roger knew they both needed a place to live besides going back to live with their terrible parents. Sam and Roger were now in their early twenties and it was time to find the perfect bachelor pad.

 

"Let’s live in a mansion!" Roger giggled with joy.

 

"A mansion? We don't make enough, idiot. Maybe one day!" Sam replied.

 

"Anyway, women don't want to be tied down to a man that still lives with his mommy so, we need to find a place." Sam continued.

 

"You're only thinking about women and not yourself?" Roger questioned.

 

"Well, yeah! A woman that is wife material, of course." Sam responded.

 

"But, if you get married, we won't be able to live together anymore." Roger said whilst frowning.

 

"I don't see a downside to what you just said. I really DON'T like living with you..." Sam replied.

 

"HEY! Take that back!" Roger insisted.

 

"Nope! The only reason we're finding a place together is because neither of us makes enough cash to go solo." Sam replied.

 

Sam and Roger entered into Sam's car and traveled all around Wondervalley, trying to find the perfect bachelor pad when they finally spotted an apartment complex that looked perfect for a couple bachelors.

 

"Roger, I think we've just found the promised land!" Sam insisted.

 

They immediately headed to the office to talk to the woman in charge of the place. The apartment complex was called Sunny Smiles Apartments... Sunny Smiles? Sounds like they need to brush their teeth...

 

"Hello, gentlemen, what can I do for you?" The woman, Mrs. Henry, asked.

 

"We would like to rent one of your townhouse apartments." Sam insisted.

 

"Wait... You're two men and you want to live together? Are you guys a couple?" Mrs. Henry asked.

 

"Eww, no! Even if I WAS gay, Sam is too much of a douche for my tastes." Roger replied.

 

"Oh, okay. How many rooms would you like?" Mrs. Henry asked.

 

"How about one! This guy will be sleeping on the patio..." Sam said while pointing to Roger.

 

"HEY! I am NOT sleeping on the patio. We would like two rooms and two bathrooms, please!" Roger interrupted.

 

"Why, yes! Say, have either of you ever served time for a crime?" Mrs. Henry asked.

 

"Yes, I work for the Mexican drug cartel. It's honest living, see! I have to feed my 12 kids SOMEHOW!" Sam answered jokingly.

 

"Sense of humor, I see? I like that! The apartment will be 500 a month. I will have to do a background check on you just to make sure you're no trouble, but you can move into the apartment right away." Mrs. Henry concluded.

 

Sam and Roger filled out the papers and they were all set for their new bachelor pad. The people at Sunny Smiles were very nice, but the apartment they lived in was even nicer. It had two floors, two bathrooms, two bedrooms, a large living room and kitchen. It also had both a patio and a balcony.

 

"THIS PLACE IS AMAZING!" Roger screamed with joy.

 

"Keep your trap shut, will yah? I'm trying to breathe it all in!" Sam said while breathing it all in.

 

"Should we throw a party, Sam?" Roger questioned.

 

"I don't know if that'd be wise. We JUST moved in..." Sam replied.

 

"Oh, come on, Sam! Live it up a little. Let's invite Debbie over!" Roger insisted.

 

"Debbie doesn't like you, dude! I don't know how many times I have to tell you that..." Sam replied.

 

"I have faith that one day, Debbie WILL like me. Invite her over!" Roger demanded.

 

"Okay, dude! But you know she's just going to talk to me!" Sam remarked.

 

Sam reluctantly agreed to throw a party with a bunch of their college friends. A lot of women came to the party as well. And even Debbie showed up. She was sitting in the corner, drinking a solo cup full of sweet tea. Sam approached her and they began to talk.

 

"Where's Mr. Creeper?" Debbie asked about Roger.

 

"Oh, he's around here somewhere. He's not as bad as you make him out to be." Sam insisted.

 

"I know that, but I still don't like him all that much!" Debbie replied.

 

"Well, you and I are friends at least. Can I get you some more tea?" Sam questioned.

 

"That sounds like a good idea. I'll be waiting for you, handsome." Debbie said as she winked.

 

Sam's entire face turned pink. He was blushing. He may be a douche but it seems he had the hots for Debbie as well. Sam poured her some more tea and rushed back to Debbie, where he saw Roger sitting next to her.

 

"Debbie, will you marry me? I'll die without you!" Roger asked repeatedly.

 

"How many times do I have to say NO? You're starting to freak me out!" Debbie replied repeatedly.

 

"Sam should be back any minute. Stay away from me, weirdo!" Debbie continued.

 

After a while of begging, Roger finally gave up and started talking to other women at the party. Surprisingly, the other girls seemed to flock to Roger. They thought he was charming. But the girl he wanted more than anything didn't even give him the time of day.

 

The party was a success and everyone left around 11 o'clock at night. Debbie gave Sam her home number, which made Roger very jealous. Instead of arguing with Sam, he just went to bed for the night. He may have been a creeper in the past, but he was really in love with Debbie who paid him no mind.

 

The next morning, however, girls from the party kept calling the house asking for Roger. Apparently, Roger was a real ladies man.

 

"Dude, I only got ONE number and women are calling YOU left and right!" Sam said whilst envying Roger.

 

"The only number that matters to me is Debbie's and that's the only one I didn't get." Roger said.

 

"Stop sulking, you moron! You did better than I did last night!" Sam insisted.

 

"Women are calling YOU! That's awesome, man!" Sam continued.

 

"The only one I want to call me is Debbie and she only wants to be with you!" Roger remarked.

 

"You're a real moron, you know? I envy YOU! I wish those girls were calling me. Debbie isn't even that great!" Sam insisted.

 

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!" Roger yelled.

 

"Fine, I take it back! But I urge you to call back at least one of those girls. One of them could be your future wife!" Sam insisted.

 

"My future wife is Debbie!" Roger replied.

 

"Debbie doesn't like you..." Sam responded.

 

And this conversation went on for hours when Sam finally got Roger to call back one of the women from last night. He talked to her for hours and they even went on a date. Roger ended up having a lot of fun and didn't even once think about Debbie.

 

And this was the start of their lives as bachelors. Women came and went like the changing of the winds. Roger was a charming moron and Sam, a good-looking douchebag. Seemed like Roger's relationships seemed to last a lot longer than Sam's.

 

And there you have it; the complete back story of Sam & Roger. Now I will begin to write about their current adventures as well as their fantasies, poems and even their reviews. Thank you all for reading these misadventures of two bozos who I love writing about. God Bless!

 

Moral of the story: Work for the Mexican drug cartel to feed your family... That's terrible advice! Oh well!!

 

-The End